A Package to Return

I have, in hand, a package to return.
I used it once or twice, but it’s still clean.
It’s big enough, but that’s not my concern.
Just try it, and you’ll find out what I mean…
See that? It’s got a kickback like a gun!
First time I felt it, nearly blew my head!
My girlfriend gasped! She thought it might be fun,
but then she used it–left me, said, “Drop dead!”
I’d say, “That’s her,” but others took offense.
It pops, and you can hear down the block!
It sprays, and then the mess is just immense!
For what it’s done me, trade you for a rock!
It doesn’t even fit inside the hole.
So, take it back. I offer up my soul.